Life is precious
April 4th this time last year (It’s 12:49 pm- I’m at work, on lunch and can’t get to word press here) I was laying on a table with a nurse trying to find Leo’s heartbeat. We were chatting and talking about nursing as a profession when she went to get another doppler. She was still talking, not concerend and said “this baby is moving all over.. then, I think this baby’s back is right against your back. I just smiled. She went and got another.
Then she found it. Right above my pregnant belly. Said ‘sounds good” very quickly and gave me my rhogam shot. The waiting room was packed.. and I was anxious to get back to work- so when she told me to wait 15 minutes in case of a reaction I was like “Ok Ok”..
That day I text my co worker I’ll be right in- sorry- it’s taking a while. I was so focused on getting back to work and not focused on my baby.
later that night I told Leo what happened. I layed down to see if I could feel movement. I felt a bit of rolling once. he said “maybe this is your calm little boy”… we laughed and I went about my day.
Today one year later I am in a place where I could be under that same “I have to do it to please them” type attitude. Even though my boss at the time lowered her eyes and looked at me last April 4th when i told her where they found baby Leo’s heartbeat .. then asked if everything was ok.. I still was so focused on being the best “worker” I could. I don’t care about that anymore. I care about my patients and I care to be accountable for my fellow co workers– but sometimes you have to be the one leaning. I am helping out right now at a place where I explained after they picked me that here soon I will not be very “present” in my role of being a “leader”.. Right now I look in the mirror and I see a mom first… not an employee. I will do whatever I need to do to protect my baby- and keep myself feeling healthy metally so that I do not crumble in these next 15 weeks.
Learn from me. Know that there are more important things beside pleasing others. YOU are just as important as the next- work will survive without you for a day or two.. and question anything that make you uncomfortable. I tell my story because I really feel we can all be teachers and help people to make better decisions. I should have asked for a doctor that day. My mind should hav been far away from work when she was reaching for the thrird doppler. I asked so many questions after .. not before.
Walk away from conversations getting the answers you need. Speak up.. and listen to what your body is telling you. I understand that loosing my baby was with reason… I want to tell my story because i don’t want other families to go through what we went through. So get answers. Speak up and don’t just walk away..