Today has been hard. Like I want to check out- slap someones had and say- you go- you do it..
When the kids wake up early on Sundays and their Dad is working we decide – collectively (ha) – to go to Target.
Breakfast- clothes- and “please get in the car, Kingston- no don’t let your sister go down to the dogs-grab my free bird Lola- and we are off.
I have been telling Kingston that Sunday (today) is picture day for a while. I was driving (ok- the car is really on auto-pilot) and Kingston said “Today is picture day, isn’t it mom?”
Why yes it is, sweet boy.
I began telling him that we are going to try to get a picture of him with his sis- then maybe one of him and his sister separate and then one with Mia in the mix. It would be special to give my mom this for her birthday.
I said to Kingston just nonchalantly “which one do you think will be your favorite?”
Lola answered immediately and yelled, “MIA”.. and I died laughing..
Kingston said “Mom Lola says her favorite is going to be with Mia”,… (Lola loves Mia and heard her name and repeated it) ..
I said “What will be yours Kingston?”…
He paused and was looking out the window.. I was thinking Lola hurt his feelings because she didn’t say hiS NAME.. but that’s not like him… so I said “Do you know?”..Preparing to let it go and start talking about something else..
Then Kingston, in his sweet manner said “Mom, my favorite would be with my brother, my buddy”..
He said one more time “My brother would be my favorite, he’s my buddy”..
If I could explain the way those words hit be (out of nowhere) I would have to say I felt like I was hit by a train mixed with the most joyful feeling you could ever feel… like the day my babies were born – all three of them – smashed into seconds.. THAT. MUCH. EMOTION.
Tears where everywhere- although my kids would never know it.. and when we parked in the side lot- away from any additional humans I wiped tears away for minutes.. trying so hard not to look delusional for Target..
I was sobbing my eyeballs out.
Sometimes I want so bad to go to a place of regret and blame- the scariest place to live in and get mad and have a bad day and sulk.. and really- try not to be me. I want to blame and yell and tell people- hey guess what this sucks sometimes…..
IT’s days that these.. and moments- where I find myself in Target’s parking lot (figuratlvly)- looking in the mirror.. whipping away tears with Leo’s sweatshirt- looking in the mirror and telling myself “No regrets, right?”….
You see what I have found to be true for me is if I want to be happy- and be a present mother, father etc etc- for all three of my babies- I have to know that Leo died for a reason bigger than my sorry self. He did not die to make me miserable.. he did not die for Kingston to not have a brother…
Kingston knows it- and so do I…. and I love him so much for it. We talk a little bit to Kingston about his brother- we never force it.. we just have mentioned that when we throw our big “party” it’s for his brother and other babies– and Kingston totally gets it. He does… I am very blessed by that child.
April comes in like a lion for me! Every year I say I will not let it “get me”….. these days in March and April where I could have saved him…. but what I realize more and more with each year that goes on is that I try everyday to save him— that I have saved my family in some way by showing up and being a present happy mother (Leo a present father) and that I must be doing something right if sweet Kingston knows how to talk about his brother without reserve or complete sadness.
So that person looking back in the mirror at me that wants so bad to be happy -practices it everyday…. every single day.. because I have no regrets and if I want to believe that I have to practice telling myself I did my best and do my best each day…. Living my life with no regrets, right?