I’ve been all over the place today..
Ok to be more fair- lately..
ok.. for a while.
And I was good oh so good taking my health assessment and seeing that in October of last year I weighed almost 40 pounds heavier than I am today..
I came up from the basement from my sedentary job on a little natural, well deserved, high.. I’ve hit my goal that I didn’t think was attainable and only dreamable working a job where I sit 40+ hours a week.
That was until in my private Raising BLUE board new feed popped up- where me and about 7 others talk about what neat things we have for our event this year.
I got this message “Sorry ______ won’t donate because we don’t have 501c3.”
Then I get knocked down from my happy high and I go right to “this sucks” mode.
I read a blog post today of Sean Hanish- the producer and writer of Return to Zero- a movie starring Minnie Driver that addresses the topic of stillbirth. Him and his wife Kiley lost their first son and were brave enough to make a movie about Norbert.
They were supported and backed by people who believed in them to make a movie and have helped thousands of families break the silence that stillbirth sits in.
In his post he said he’d much rather be walking his son into his first day of 5th grade than getting into his limo to go to the Emmys. Yes, his movie, his story is up for an Emmy.
So I sat here in my chair- the one I used to sit in after putting Kingston to bed and at least spend 10 minutes with my baby Leo- looking out the window at the sunset – getting upset that a big donation would not be made simply because of paperwork.
The truth is I don’t … we don’t – have Blue’s Pumpkin Bash for ourselves. Sure I love feeling like I am helping and I love that the moms I come to know become a part of my life.. but in reality sometimes I feel like a loser..
The rejection after rejection “sorry we can’t”… Oh, so daunting… I understand. I get it. You can’t give everything away- you possessions, your profits, your time, your craft.. I get it..
Sometimes all the rejection gets to me and I want to sit here and say “why me, why can’t I just have my boy”.
But if I dig deeper, and some days it’s DEEP.. and think back I see all the people who have done what they could even it was just showing up with willing arms “Where can I help, what can I do?”
Sure rejection stings and I sometimes dread asking people for “stuff” but the reward is greater.
Being able to meet a mom for dinner and holding her hand when she just wants to feel normal again- this community brought me to her…
The work is hard. These next couple weeks our nights will be long. The e-mails the trips to stores in and out, out and in to help our community do something great is not easy.. And while yes this work is hard lets not forget what this community really comes together to do- we are helping save babies and supporting bereaved families.
We, here in Northern Kentucky are breaking the silence of stillbirth.
We are saying to moms “Hey I want your baby to live” and “Hey, I know your baby died, I’m going to be brave too and come show my support, because you baby matters”… THAT is SO SPECIAL.
I still get a knot in my throat every year around this time- is anyone going to come? And then right after that thought I think, “Will we have enough”. LIfe is so tricky when you really feel it.
I guess what I want to say is just what Sean had to say- when it all comes down to it I’m a mom that would love to have her son here. And I miss him. The older Kingston gets the more and more I want that brotherly love for him and X2 for little Lola.
To everyone that supports us thank you. See you in October. And for those of you that want to see something pretty special, see you in October too .