"Take the sourest lemon life has to offer and

turn it into something resembling lemonade"

I Hate My Body

June 6, 2014

Anyone that travels in this body would.

I think it started when I got hurt and had my first knee surgery. It put me behind and slower. Sure many many athletes have surgery and go on and I wasn’t going to be Mrs. Jordan- but having two knee surgeries by the time you are 21 when you aren’t a professional athlete is daunting- but not in any way shape or form life ending- at all.

One day at Kings Island I was kneeing down to get something at a store. I was young- I think I was 15 and I couldn’t get back up. I was with my boyfriend. I sat on the floor and said -“Hey can you come over here- my knee locked up”…

He pulled my right knee and a loud crack came from it. It’s been like that for a long time. I’ve had to have Leo save me many times. It’s happened getting into the car… I just can’t stand it.

Then- breastfeeding. I was not successful at all. Despite how hard I tired, how much I pumped, how many health care professionals I saw- I couldn’t do it. It was an absolutely horrible feeling to no be able to feed your baby the way nature wanted me to. I felt so much like a failure that I became a CLC so that I could learn everything I possibly could to feed my second baby.

Then. My baby died. And once again my body failed me. And I hate that. I still get so mad that I let myself gain 45 lbs with Leo and I STILL had 10 more weeks to go. If I’m not careful I can get very bent out of shape and angry at myself. But what I’m learning is that does me no good. No good at all.

I was sitting outside today thinking about how much I hate it. Hate is such a strong word but it’s failed me so many times. How else do I describe

 

this relationship I have with it? It’s taken something from me- from others I love..

I told Leo to come and take a picture of me. So here I am- in this picture crying- because guess what my life isn’t perfect – and yes- I hate my body.

I’m making a commitment again to myself and my sweet baby that has taught me about what is important … and I’ve gotten away from what he taught me the most- and that was to take care of myself. What is easy to forget is if I don’t take care of myself.. I’ll take yet again something else away that my kids love- their mother.

I took care of myself in such a perfect, selfless way after he died and I felt him closer and I felt more present in my life everyday.

And my body- the one I am hating right now- gave me Lola.

219. That’s me right there in that chair crying. I’m not perfect. I have struggles. I look for the bright side on most days but some days I really beat myself up. That’s ok.

What I forget sometimes- and I could never know how- is the real beauty is that my body DID carry two healthy babies. My knees still allow me to do 100 wall balls on any given day that I choose to put in the work- and no I didn’t get to breastfeed my babies fully- but I did partially and they are pretty darn healthy little ones.

There is always someone going through much worse than me- and I need to be thankful that i have a body that will get in the car and go to the gym. I have the body that holds a boy and a girl and wraps them up to give them sweet hugs and kisses whenever I want to.

I have the mind that helps me raise my baby Leo. I have the legs that can walk to his grave.

My hands can type this.

My mantra- be grateful- for it all.

Even this body.

Xo

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