"Take the sourest lemon life has to offer and

turn it into something resembling lemonade"

Just Under the Surface

May 19, 2014


I don’t write much anymore. 

I do however have a list of topics, thoughts, or ideas that I want to write about. That i know can be really good if I put more than the usual 4.34 minutes I have into them.. 

Yesterday Return to Zero aired. 

The movie, as the writer wanted, again allowed me to see that I’m not alone- in this journey- with missing my baby- with remembering him everyday… 

In it there was a conversation at the Thanksgiving table where he grandmother and grandfather of the baby proposed that they would be thankful for life. 

Maggie- Arthur’s mother- the bereved mother sits and stares at the complete igrnorance that is the conversation (in my opinion)… Remember the difinition of ignorance (lack of knowledge) 

Maggie then holds her glass up and says that death is just under the surface and it’s coming… for us all.. maybe not today or next week but it’s coming.. 

and then she says “and all of this… all of this”.. 

and I whispered in my head “SHe’s going to say, it doesn’t matter”… 

and she did.. 

She waved her hand holding a glass of wine and looked at her father in law, and mother and said “And all of this doesn’t matter”.. ‘

I get that. 

Sometimes i see what people get bent out of shape over or dicuss and I get so darn frustrated… It’s only with people I care about.. and I want to say “Guess what it doesn’t matter”.. 

Now I’ll admit I’m the first to start getting bent out of shape when things don’t go in a good direction.. mainly because I’ve had what I know is the worst day of my life already- and I don’t want a seconf worst day.. 

But I find myself saying these things a lot now- It doesn’t matter… 

i dream big and work hard for my family so that my children can see one day that they can do the same.. but the truth is enjoying time with your family is what matters.. 

The movie is a keeper. It’s for everyone to see. There is my new life. It’s been this way for a little over two years.. Where I know- just under the surface of this life- is death.. and it comes without fair warning.. so we better just live it and make sure, if we are fortunate enough to have children- they know our love and we do things on each day that do matter.. 

If I go back and read my posts I know I can find many on being thankful and seeing the gift in such tragedy.  Leo is my gift. Despite the stumbles monthly, daily, weekly, daily . that I have.. when I miss him..and just want to kinda lay low.. He is truly my gift.. 

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