"Take the sourest lemon life has to offer and

turn it into something resembling lemonade"

Cradling my Daughter

April 21, 2014

I felt a kick.. 

Wait. What? No I’m not pregnant. 

Two Easter’s ago- Kingston a sweet 14 months old our family was getting ready to grow in June. 

But that didn’t happen and my June baby became an April baby and was born still just about 10 days after Easter. 

We all sacrifice.. 

Do we? 

I think so. 

I began looking that night- April 12th on ways to help others never have to burry their baby. 

Leo wasn’t a “late term” stillbirth but he most certainly could have survived. 

This Easter I am dressing my daughter – currently in two different outfits- cradling her in my arms- she’s just perfection. 

Is this real? I’m holding my daughter in her Easter dress. Rocking her watching a cardinal speak about Pope Frances in a loving way on TV.  She falls asleep I pick her up and put her in bed. She looks like an angel. 

I sometimes think that my life is sad at times, yes, but a special, the most special, one to live. 

Easter is a time of new life.  Resurrection. Jesus died for our sins. 

And like a perfect song I feel I know why my life as the way it is. 

I can’t help but to feel my heart bloom sitting there rocking my sweet Lola- listening to Kingston so happy about his day. 

I’m missing one running around. My second son. Born in April. A diamond when he was supposed to be a pearl under the sea.. he shines so bright. 

And I speak of him and I remember him and I talk about him. 

What if we stopped talking about Jesus? 

Like many people feel they have to stop talking about their children that die. 

My baby that died has a story has a purpose- just and I feel they all do.  His life too shall be celebrated- by me- each year. 

I remember one of the last pictures I have of myself pregnant with Leo. 

Kingston and I were dying Easter eggs. I was in a blue dress. I think my mom took the pictures. I have thrown most of my clothes away that I wore when I was pregnant with him- mainly because they are too big… but I can’t throw that blue dress away. 

It was days before Easter.. we were happy. 

And last year Kingston was two- Missing little Blue- but in my chair, rocking, carrying lola.. 

and this Easter- Kingston three- always missing Blue- but cradling Lola- her sweet little toes and tulle from her dress all around her little body. 

An unreal feeling. Not so much wondering what I would be like with 3 running around.. but knowing what greater good my Leo is doing.. and what we’ve done together… What I gained from Leo was something not everyone gets the chance to experience… and I don’t want people to lose a baby to know the love I have for my own.. . I am so unbelievably thankful for the two babies that I get to hug and kiss everyday. I know that in any moment our day can change.. but not to dwell on that for a second because life is so short.  I know that I am incredibly blessed to have a second chance at raising a little baby and I know my strenght becuase I have done something very hard in my lifetime- something out of the “norm” and something that can lead me to a bigger purpose. 

My sacrafice might not seem like a true sacrafice… but talking about him can sometimes get tricky.. Getting up to tell my story.. or listening to someone say “I have two boys I want that girl”.. when I want to say I have two boys too– and a girl–  but I had to lose my second son to ever know the dream of having a girl.. doesn’t exactly get me a pat on the back.. or a friend to call me to see how I’m doing… but that’s ok. I’m ok with that.  We all sacrafice or should to do things for others. I chose to talk about my son so that maybe I can save a baby .. so that mom and dad have the knowledge I didn’t and bring their baby home. 

It might be hard for those around me to talk about- or celebrate- but I can’t help but smile and know how special having the three children that I do have is.. and to never stop talking about him.. or HIM. 

 

Xo. 

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