"Take the sourest lemon life has to offer and

turn it into something resembling lemonade"

That’s Where You’ll Find Me

April 15, 2014

I have done a lot of reflecting over the last month/weeks about my life and the things that I have done, haven’t done, and plan to do all because of a baby.. 

But first I want to say Happy Birthday, Blue.  Sweet baby Blue. 

Leo and I went to his grave today. We went into the store across the street from the cemetery and were looking for something that he might like.  Leo on one side of the floral department I on the other.. when I glanced over and saw him smile and kinda take his fingers and tap on a dying blue rose. 

I walked over and smiled. They were blue and white and I told him- let’s buy these. 

$2.00 

We found blue hydrangeas. He said “Get those too”. 

Leo was holding a Happy Birthday balloon in his hand.. 

A proud dad.. 

1 pink bunny and some green stuff later our $2.00 total way a whopping $10.00. 

At the cemetery I decided to try to take everything out of plastic. The wind is still blowing.. 

Blue petals blew everywhere… 

So pretty, Leo said. 

Leo and I talked and with the wind blowing like crazy the only petals to go “flying” were the blue ones.. 

My head in his chest, his arms around me we just kinda stood there in a sweet embrace. 

Afterwards we took Kingston to see Rio 2. Rio 2.. Rio 2.. 

A movie about a bird trying to get a message through- silly but – ok- The birds name is Blue- it’s the second movie.. 2.. and my Blue is 2. 

Sometimes I feel like I live in a completely different world than anyone. 

Well, not everyone. 

Sometimes I meet someone that feels the things I feel. 

My sweet baby Leo. I feel him all the time.. 

And what I know is true is that when he died he never left me. .. 

I had a talk with Leo this morning about how right before I went to the doctor I thought my life was absolutely perfect. I have a husband who’s not going to get up and walk out- I was pregnant with our second boy- perfect job… perfect perfect perfect. 

And then my baby died. 

and I was ashamed. 

I would quote – everything that happens to you is a direct reflection of what you “deserve”… 

well goodness, if that’s the case- someone must have hated me.. 

I was telling him that it took me a minute to realize that ok no, you don’t probably get everything you deserve…  which sounds completely selfish- now that something “bad” happened to me I get to say that way of thinking is “selfish”.. I feel that makes me a hypocrite.. 

Ok- so be it.. 

But where my turning point came was when I realized that ok- bad things DO happen- no mater how hard you try… that stinks, yes.. but it doesn’t matter.. 

Doesn’t matter?

no, it doesn’t..the ‘bad’ things happening to you do not matter. … …. (that’s scary for me to type out)

What matters?

ok- so what matters is what you do with it. 

and that’s when I realized I could still have a happy, productive, loving, supportive, life. 

but there was another turning point… 

and that happened with in this last year.. 

Of course I have always felt he was with me.. 

but over this last year I believe 100% that keeping quiet about the little things I see or not talking about him (because I have moments where I am scared it’s too much) is not the answer. 

baby Leo is EVERYWHERE. 

He never left me. He is as much as this family as Kingston and Lola. He is their brother. 

No I don’t get to hold him- but by allowing myself to know that he is still here I see things I feel a lot of us are missing about our loved ones.. 

She’s talking crazy? 

You might be thinking so.. 

but I promise I have no pent up anger that my baby died.. 

I have no Why me moments.. 

I have no “this is not fair” statements.. .

I know he’s with me. I know he died for a greater purpose.. I know the way I see his life has brought me peace and has made me a better person. 

I’m in this life with him… He’s in this life with me.. 

and this life.. with him.. well, that’s where you’ll find me.. 

Yesterday in the car on the way home from my sisters baby shower the song “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” came on… and I really feel like I feel like the “Why O why can’t I?” part all the time.. Why not? Always- always pushing it– dreaming bigger.. and just going for it.. I might be in Lala land with my dreams and goals but I don’t care… that’s what doing something absolutely unbearable can do to you.. 

If you try to explain all the things I’ve seen .. and all the “signs” he’s given me.. the only way you can is to know that he is here …. 

I can’t believe that it’s been two years since I held my little boy. 

I can’t help but think of what this house would look like with 3 little ones running around.. but before I get caught up in that I realize that he’s probably the driving force behind me getting it all picked up…. 

Happy birthday to a baby that saved and changed my life.  I see you everywhere. And I always will. And where you’ll find me is always with you. 

 

Xo 

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