Ever since my baby died I’ve decided… really set in my mind that I refuse to be a victim.
Before that moment turned my life upside down I 100% felt that life is 100% of what YOU make it. What you put in it you get out of it.
Then my life tried to fall apart and crumble and debunk my theory that you CAN have it all.
I was a mom, a nurse, getting ready to have my second boy- living on a farm- listening to pop music (yes I said this) in my pink car with one awesome husband. I had it all.
and in that moment – when I got back into my car to drive to what would be the saddest moment in my life I thought how in the hell am I going to be happy with my life if my baby is dead? There is no way I can still be that girl- the girl that has it all.
I went through that day.
I planned a funeral.
And like I talk about all the flowers came to my house..from so many people
The cars coming and coming to the cemetary for his funeral..
The support. The love. I knew I still had it all. And I started to realize what having it all meant.
I would not lose myself- I would not be a victim of the endless “why me” questions and the “this isn’t fair”. BECAUSE there are other people who have gone through this and that will go through this and I must be an example. Leo Blue died for a reason.. and I’ll find a reason and not be a victim.
Today. I went to a very well known OB/GYN for a yearly check up.
He is kind. He is smart. But there is something different about him- when he is your OB he is the only doctor you see.
I talked with him he asked about my babies- writing each birthday down. He acknowldged that going through Lola’s pregnancy must have been so hard.
Someone who said to me “You’ve been through something hard”- He validated me. The only other person(s) to do this were my doctors from Good Sam.
Then I told him that I would be meeting with one of the perinatologist next week. I’m pretty proud of that.
We were done talking about my history and a bunch of other things and I gave him one of my “Count the Kicks” brochures.
“Thank you” he said. But godness I don’t teach kick counts.
He was taking me into the room where I would have my exam and I held myself up.
He knew I was not happy by the look on my face.
He said, “I am happy if the baby moves once a day- we can’t worry people”
I took a deep breath.
He laid the pamplet on the counter and said “I don’t see high risk patients”
I couldn’t get a word in.
He shut the door and I felt nauseated.
I sent my sister to him.
I’ve sent friends to him.
I got so angry.
I almost took my brochure and walked out.
I said to myself- no- Stacey- don’t be a victim. If you walk out he won’t listen. Ever. Period.
I got my stuff together and checked out.
On my drive home I was a nervous wreck. I was right by the street where I wrecked with Leo. Feeling like I was going to pass out I looked over and saw the back of the building hat I was turning into on March 19th, 2012 and someone hit my car- putting me 27 weeks pregnant on the side of the road in the rain..
You’re just a sad girl that lost her baby.
I kept thinking.. Who’s going to listen to me?
He’s been doing this for 30 years.
STop. Stop. Stop.
The whole way home I went back and forth.
When I was in the waiting room I had written one of my friends about her baby…
This does happen.
Ok- but very rare in his practice.
Back and forth in my head and I think..
He knows his stuff- for sure.
He is the ONLY doctor you see when you are pregnant.
That gives him an advantage- it’s not like that anymore.
Why the advantage? Because – he knows the patient. He knows their concerns he sees them every time.
His documentation with me was meticulous.
He went down every question with me-
“You smoke?” He said
“No, I don’t smoke.”
“You checked yes”.
“Oh my goodness I filled that out when Kingston was running around- no I don’t smoke, never have”. I said
I won’t take it personal. I won’t be a victim.
I will teach my own sister about kick counts.
He has an advantage over other doctors being the only one in his practice.
I’m not going to get mad and storm out because someone doesn’t think like me- or many many other healthcare professionals.
“Count the Kicks” isn’t a bunch of sad moms trying to scare pregnant women.
Educating your patients to “know” your babies movement is so important. It’s not important just to simply ask “baby moving ok?”
This isn’t scary information- this is empowering information. I’ve heard this before- you wouldn’t tell a woman not to do a breast exam because she might be “sacred” she has breast cancer because she found a lump.
I know too many momma’s that wish someone would have just said “The best way for you to know your babies well being is to do kick counts”..
It’s your baby. Yes, usually everything is fine. What hurts you to set aside a time to feel 10 kicks a day? Nothing.
Increase calls for doctors? Maybe- but I bet not- because if you teach it in a way that isn’t “scary” but empowering “Count the Kicks” has and will save lives.
I am not a woman wanting to induce panic because my baby died. I just know what it’s like to live a life where during certain times I feel regret and guilt because I should have known better. But I’m not a victim. And ok, he might not agree with me- fine- he’s an excellent doctor and currently caring for my sister.. I drove home past a place where I last knew Leo was alive… and started to feel deflated, defeated.. and I said NO, you won’t- let this be a motivator to push you to help you to make you stronger…To reach more and to figure out a way to CHANGE the way we talk about stillbirth.. Don’t be a victim… ever.