March- it comes in like a lion for me…
Roaring that ugly head- this is the month it all went under.
March 19th was the last time I heard Leo’s heartbeat- although for a quick second, “I, uh, have to get to two more appointments today”. They were never late taking me back- why today? I had questions…. looking back now there’s a lesson in it all.
March 2012 was a hard one for me. But I’ve written about it before and I don’t want to tell that story much more.
It’s a part of me though.. those moments leading up to the inevitable.. it’s a part of my story and as much as I hate it and still struggle with what it meant to completely ignore my intuition and lose something so precious that part of my story can either make me or break me..
So I march on..
to a new March.
to a new tune.
wracking my brain around what is almost two years of the new me..
My “other” or “second” birthday.. Blue two years in heaven…
He’s almost two- I’m almost two. That day changed me forever..
so as I get closer and closer to that day– I’ll move forward..
I’ll march on..
through March.. when it all fell apart.. and April brought me him.. and a new me..
Tomorrow is my grandma’s birthday… maybe it’s her birthday right before a difficult month for me for a reason..
Maybe she’s trying to tell me.. what a beautiful gift you gave me.. right as I dive into my second March without him..
and then I stand here.. most days watching out the window.. picking up Lola.. and catching a glimpse of a blue bird..
catching his picture falling off the wall because Kingston was too excited and knocked it over..
“Where’s my brother?”, Kingston says..
He’s here.. but he’s not, sweet boy.. You’ll see him soon I think to myself..
Why are you crying? Leo says to me..
It’s ok I say.. and wipe my tears away..
He’ll never really know how much I cry..
Driving in the car and that song comes on .. it’s him..
it’s hard.. but it’s hard for us all.
So as I go through March I will do it gracefully..
remembering the day I told a group of women that I was fine after a car wreck..
remembering that doctors appointment when she said everything ok, I said we are doing great.. had a car wreck but I think we are fine..
for the month of March was the last time I heard it.. and I know he was alive.. and he heard me.. and felt my love …
it’s the most surreal feeling holding a baby and caring for a baby after you’ve lost one..
and it’s the hardest feeling to know that no matter what you do your family isn’t all physically together..
but I think I’ve done it as gracefully as possible..
and I think that everyone who goes through it does it the best way they know how..
simply marching on..