I said it right after I found out baby Leo was a boy-
Leo and I had just put Kingston down to bed and I got to thinking..
“Leo, what’s the age difference between Peyton and Manning?”
He looked at me and we both just laughed.. pregnancy brain..
“I mean Payton and Eli”
He said you know I don’t really know.
I began dreaming of that family (I didn’t know then that they also had another older brother).. that family that I thought would be mine.
Kingston and Leo in high school together- best friends – what would they do? Who would they be? I knew they would be best friends.
So the weeks went on and on.. I went to work dreaming about two boys..
Teaching prenatal clients.. teaching pregnant women how to have a healthy pregnancy
I was in my element..
I had the knowledge..
I’ve been through the “game” of childbirth before..
I had this..
Leo would be in my arms in 10 weeks..
and then I lost… fumbled.
No heart beat.
But I AM A NURSE. I thought. I go to work each day and talk to prenatal clients. This can’t happen to me.
My second baby- lost
I felt for a second- embarrassed
walking off the field after the super bowl…
his second super bowl- a loss
and someone asked him
“Are you embarrassed?”
I read that he said something along the lines that no, he wasn’t, there were a lot of guys that prepared and worked hard during the game… He told that person interviewing him that asking him if he were embarrassed felt like an insult.
So I love him for that.
I really felt like a failure and I, a registered nurse, teaching many different types of people, but one of those populations prenatal clients .. lost her baby..
I’m sure he went home and thought about the first play- a bad pass- a horrible call..
Just as I relived the time I didn’t call-ten nurse visit- the wreck- and laying on my bed and Leo saying “he’s probably our calm baby”.
I know- I’m comparing losing a baby to someone losing the super bowl — and that’s kinda silly..
but what I guess I really want to say is that in life when we feel like we fail, really , really fail we can turn it all around and make the story brighter.
I didn’t lose my baby in front of millions- but I hope one day millions, ok maybe thousands, of people will know my baby.. and we can save a baby…
and that’s not embarrassing at all..