"Take the sourest lemon life has to offer and

turn it into something resembling lemonade"

Tom Zuba <3

January 6, 2014


I’ve never been high. 

I’ve never taken an anti depressant

Despite what anyone may think- I’ve had people straight ask me.. I think I am totally approachable like that. 

I’ve been asked in a grocery store line how much my wedding dress cost.. 

We weren’t even right next to each other.. 



OH wait! It was couture! 

Never mind how hard I worked to actually pay for it- or IF I really payed that much.. 

The last 23 days have been down right horrific for me. Horrific. 

I have not been able to get out of bed some mornings- but of course force myself… to somehow conveyed my emotions over IM to my boss and a message “Can you please call me” came back to me.. I took a deep breath.. called and, well, cried. 

I thought- maybe I do need to be on something. 

I was in so much back pain I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t put Lola in her crib. I couldn’t clean my house. I love to clean my house. 

Just two days ago I couldn’t even sit on the floor comfortably and play with Kingston. 

I literally thought my life was over. 

I cut my finger- and I didn’t ever realize it until yesterday- I told Leo- LOOK – my finger is healing.. I didn’t even know i cut it! 

I was zoned out. In a horrible funk. Literally trying to survive. I couldn’t pick up Lola out of her crib.. and putting her back was even harder. I was a mess. 

I went to my doctor, my massage therapist, and a physical therapist. I axed the PT when he pulled on my leg a couple times.. told me to walk around, asked me some questions, and said “eh, not real sure what’s going on”… and realized that my bill would be $500.00. That is insane. 

My massage therapist suggested I had an emotional component to my “pain”. At first I kinda felt insulted. She suggested I see a craniosacral massage therapist- kinda like accupuntrure (sorta)- I still have not tried that. 

I just wanted to be pain free. 

But on January 1st I did do one thing that I have stuck to for 5 days. I have follow Tom Zuba’s 21+1 days of Gratitude. 

Every night before I go to bed I write 5 things I have grateful for. I’ve always been a grateful person but this makes me think- it makes me even more grateful. It has given me a high feeling. 

It has been anything from “I’m grateful that when I rock Lola at night I put down my phone” to “I’m grateful that I have a good job”. It also shows me that in any given day there are 5 things that come up that are pretty amazing.. that make me grateful. 

I think I may just do this every day of my life. 

I thought, sure.. It will get old- I’ll run out of things to be grateful for.. I know it’s only been 4 nights but I don’t see an end in sight. 

I like this guy. 

The night before I went to bed with the intense back pain I wrote- because I am- “I’m grateful for my health”. When I woke up I could actually get out of bed.. I swear it was like a miracle happened. 

But maybe it’s just that.. maybe I was too busy feeling sorry for myself… and didn’t open my eyes to all of the good things going on in my life.. 

I am so grateful for my life. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I haven’t done everything the way I want to here recently.. but feeling better and overcoming these past days gives be a sense that I can do better.. much better.. much more.. in this year.. bigger, better, higher in 2014… 

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