"Take the sourest lemon life has to offer and

turn it into something resembling lemonade"

Tom Zuba <3

January 6, 2014

 

I’ve never been high. 

I’ve never taken an anti depressant

Despite what anyone may think- I’ve had people straight ask me.. I think I am totally approachable like that. 

I’ve been asked in a grocery store line how much my wedding dress cost.. 

We weren’t even right next to each other.. 

SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS!

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE SIZE?

OH wait! It was couture! 

Never mind how hard I worked to actually pay for it- or IF I really payed that much.. 

The last 23 days have been down right horrific for me. Horrific. 

I have not been able to get out of bed some mornings- but of course force myself… to somehow conveyed my emotions over IM to my boss and a message “Can you please call me” came back to me.. I took a deep breath.. called and, well, cried. 

I thought- maybe I do need to be on something. 

I was in so much back pain I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t put Lola in her crib. I couldn’t clean my house. I love to clean my house. 

Just two days ago I couldn’t even sit on the floor comfortably and play with Kingston. 

I literally thought my life was over. 

I cut my finger- and I didn’t ever realize it until yesterday- I told Leo- LOOK – my finger is healing.. I didn’t even know i cut it! 

I was zoned out. In a horrible funk. Literally trying to survive. I couldn’t pick up Lola out of her crib.. and putting her back was even harder. I was a mess. 

I went to my doctor, my massage therapist, and a physical therapist. I axed the PT when he pulled on my leg a couple times.. told me to walk around, asked me some questions, and said “eh, not real sure what’s going on”… and realized that my bill would be $500.00. That is insane. 

My massage therapist suggested I had an emotional component to my “pain”. At first I kinda felt insulted. She suggested I see a craniosacral massage therapist- kinda like accupuntrure (sorta)- I still have not tried that. 

I just wanted to be pain free. 

But on January 1st I did do one thing that I have stuck to for 5 days. I have follow Tom Zuba’s 21+1 days of Gratitude. 

Every night before I go to bed I write 5 things I have grateful for. I’ve always been a grateful person but this makes me think- it makes me even more grateful. It has given me a high feeling. 

It has been anything from “I’m grateful that when I rock Lola at night I put down my phone” to “I’m grateful that I have a good job”. It also shows me that in any given day there are 5 things that come up that are pretty amazing.. that make me grateful. 

I think I may just do this every day of my life. 

I thought, sure.. It will get old- I’ll run out of things to be grateful for.. I know it’s only been 4 nights but I don’t see an end in sight. 

I like this guy. 

The night before I went to bed with the intense back pain I wrote- because I am- “I’m grateful for my health”. When I woke up I could actually get out of bed.. I swear it was like a miracle happened. 

But maybe it’s just that.. maybe I was too busy feeling sorry for myself… and didn’t open my eyes to all of the good things going on in my life.. 

I am so grateful for my life. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I haven’t done everything the way I want to here recently.. but feeling better and overcoming these past days gives be a sense that I can do better.. much better.. much more.. in this year.. bigger, better, higher in 2014… 

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