"Take the sourest lemon life has to offer and

turn it into something resembling lemonade"


December 19, 2013


I always say that Blue is with me. 

I say it because he is. 

Last Friday I decide that after a test at my doctors office that I would go and get baby Leo a Christmas tree. 

I ran into Target and looked for a little tree. 

I wanted a green tree. A little green tree.. simple… 

I couldn’t find one. I went down the isles and I found- you guessed it – every other color- including blue. 

I said to myself ok, Blue, I guess you are getting a blue Christmas tree. 

I picked a box of little ornaments and went on my way. 

I drive the wrong way into the cemetery, I think. 

It was icy.. so pretty with snow. 

A perfect day to decorate I thought. 

I parked my car by the third tree, a Cypress tree and made my way up … 

I took the bottom stand off and stuck it in my grandmas (for lack of better word) flower holder thing.. 

Then came the ornaments. 

one by one you had to string the circle ornaments and tie the string to hang them

I thought.. ok, little baby.. I’ll do 14 for you…

Then I thought.. no.. 

You deserve them all.. we will get all of these on this tree. 

I began tying .. my hands freezing.. my fingers stopped working right.. 

I got some on and I notice that of course they were of every color- the colors of the rainbow.. I smiled… 

I put some of the ties in my hand and placed the rest in the bag on the snow.. I started to tie again.. but kept dropping some of the silver ties… 

Then the bag flew away… 

I thought.. Ok YOU WIN. I’ll stop. 

But I have just one more to put on.. I hung it.. it came un tied.. I tried again, again, untied.. 

It was almost like he was saying “That’s enough mom, I know your hands are freezing.  Say goodbye to me, get your hands in your pockets, and get in your car”… 

Before i left I counted how many ornaments I actually got on the tree. I wanted to get each and every one but I couldn’t… 

but before that I wanted 14.. because the next day, on the 14th I would be 29 years old .. and baby Leo would have been 1 year 8 months old… 20 months… on the 14th. 

14 ornaments hung on his tree.. 14 rainbow ornaments…. 


I walked to my car with my hands in my pockets… warm now.. 

I couldn’t help but know that he’s always with me. I felt him so much in that moment.. Just like I felt him many times when I’ve been there.. 

and as I turned to take one more look at the tree it tilted.. to the right.. the same way the windmill blew when I asked him if I were having a boy or a girl.. (right would be a girl, right it would turn, right he was)…

14 is my favorite number.. and I know there  are 14 ornaments on his tree because 25.. was just too many… he wanted his moms hands warm.. 


He warms my heart. 

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