Gosh. It’s been such a beautiful week. I am overwhelmed with so many emotions. Juggling being a Mom of two babies here in the house and thinking about baby Leo and what could have been three little babies in the house.
Lola’s second day in my arms the pediatrician came in to tell us that she is making us stay another night. She said that her bilirubin was a 6.2 and she needed it to be under 6 for us to go home. I was trying my best to breastfeed- not supplement- and she advised me to supplement because for a baby not to get enough nutrients- on top of being Coombs positive- on top of having opposite blood types- could be potentially dangerous.
I struggled. I am a CLC. I can’t supplement. I need to be successful breastfeeding. Then the emotions of this is most likey going to be my last baby- I have to give it my best shot.
That night Lola cried- I didn’t sleep more than a 1 hour span- twice- I think. The nurse told the next shift nurse that I was up all night and didn’t sleep. They asked me to please let them take Lola to the nursey so I could sleep. I said “no”. A lot of times.
During that I got scared. I got scared that when they pricked her heal again at 5:30 am they were going to tell me it got even higher and she would now have to be admitted. Supplement it was.
I wasn’t satisfying her. I was sad. I felt defeated.
I went to see a IBCLC on MOnday. Lola- 5 days old. It’s true. I don’t produce milk. I feed her ever 2-3 hours. She fed for 20 minutes on each side and got a total of 15 ml’s. After I answered some questions she had a plan. Breastfeed on each side (20+20 min), supplement with SNS (another 20 min)- pump (another 20 minutes) and the end result wiht my history that basically I never developed breast I “might” get my milk production up. Oh yes, and don’t forget the herbs and I needed to rent the hospital grade pump.
I told her I did the SNS with my first son and that I became very frustrated and stressed. I think it was the cause for my anxiety in those early days with Kingston. I told her I couldn’t do that. I want to enjoy my baby.
So I supplement. I supplement with almost every feeding.
The IBCLC I saw said to me “Oh you poor girl, you work at a place that supports breastfeeding and you have a low milk supply”. To which I said back to her “You know my husband told me that some of the best basketball or football coaches never really played the game, I’ll be ok”
And I am. I am sad. I am still trying. I’m pumping and I feed her at least every 3 hours. She is growing and that is what’s important. I’m not a failure.
After everything that I have been through with babies I wasn’t going to let this get me down. Yes, I so bad want to be successful at breastfeeding and I’m going to give it my best shot but it doesn’t look like I will be completely successful.
The truth is in life we have to supplement a lot. We have to do things that we don’t necessarily want to do to get the things we need, and that’s ok.
I decided to do what was best for me and my baby- emotionally. I want to enjoy her and not get frustrated. I want her to sense a calm me and be the best mom I can.
Supplement your life and don’t be discouraged if it seems like the “easy way” out if you’ve gone through the hard things already.
Lots of love to all the momma’s out there trying to breastfeed… Don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad for not being successful.