As this week before Leo’s birthday comes I have been reminded of so many things.
It was days like this last year that leaded up to that day when we lost him. It was getting so pretty outside and spring was finally here- just as now.
It would stay beautiful for the month after his birthday that I was off work. Actually a little less than 1 month but who’s counting …
Yesterday I was around a lot of my favorite kind of people- Women with growing bellies. I have a thing for pregnant women now. I just want to help them do their best. There are things that I did so wrong with Kingston and Leo.. or things I wondered about- but I didn’t really have anyone to go to.
Yesterday I was talking to one of my friends Mom’s at the shower I hosted with my friends for one of my best friends, Missy. WOW lots of friends. I was cleaning up the decorations from our “cake table” and she came over to talk to me. She said “So this is a little girl”.. I smiled said “yes”. We began talking and somehow I got on the subject of not ever thinking I would have a little girl- or be pregnant at this time. She looked at me and said ” You know Stace, that just wasn’t God’s plan”.
Now, some people can say that to me. And others can not. I appreciated these words at this time from this person because it wasn’t coming from a place of selfishness because she was uncomfortable or just didn’t want to here it.. It came from a place of empowerment. She wanted me to be empowered by my experince.
She went on “You know , now you know, you just know”.. I smiled at her. I do. I do just know. I totally got it. I began telling her that I hear peoples “bad day” stories and I do feel sorry for others.. but my bad day, was a bad day.. I know what one is.
I don’t know but somehow two others started to talk to us and we got disconnected and I went to hug her before she left. I was so thankful for our conversation.
I hugged her and she looked at me and said again “You know”..
I felt a sense of calm over me, I felt loved, and understood. Some people have that gift to help you feel better without saying too much.
Someone heard her say that to me and in a loud voice said to me “What do you know?”
I smiled and said “Oh we were just having a conversation”..
I know a lot. This year has taught me so much. I know that my experience has also taught a lot of others as well. Sharing stories and helping others who are either going through a hard time or maybe they just want to know your story to help and even learn is why we are, or should, be here. Why not live a life on purpose? Why not help others? I tell my story to say my life is bad but to say hey, look what can happen, do not do this….
Losing my baby taught me a lot. I know so much. I know life can change in an instant. I never suspected anything was wrong with my baby. I know that it doesn’t matter what you want your future to be there is a plan… and when you don’t like the plan … you have to just buckle down, swallow, and make it work. I know who is there for me. This time lat year I never knew so many people loved and cared about my family. Today our friend Frank was down and showed me how to tell if all of our trees and plants made it this year. There are at least 6 trees or plants planted in our yard that were sent here.. and I’m happy to say everything looks like it made it. I know that no matter what I can make it. Ask me what is harder than holding your son that isn’t alive when just two days before you were sorting out his clothes and I can tell you only one more thing.. and that is raising a child and seeing him or her go on before you. That is the only things I can think would be “harder”… I know I pray for my husbands health and happiness more than I did. He gets me through my days. Like I said , he’s my rock and we have only got stronger over the days. I know how to count my blessings and I know who I need to make time for.
That moment yesterday was special to me. I wanted to thank her for taking time to not feel uncomfortable with my past to just say “Oh it will be ok”.. and be brave enough to say something that might make me cry and still stand there in case I did. I didn’t cry although I came close. Compassion gets me in a way that no other emotion ever will… I know I am stronger… I know a lot.. and I know I am thankful to be reminded of the gift that was given to me ….