Straight to the Heart.
Our boy or girl – but really anomaly – ultrasound.
I was nervous. In fact I stayed up the whole night crying watching Chelsea Lately with a box of tissues.. with a full moon shining down- I felt a little crazy- I’ll be honest.
I woke up that morning at 730 (lucky me)- usually I’m up no later than 6:30. I don’t have a day to “sleep in” because now Leo works weekends. So this was my chance.
I walked out of the bedroom after my rough night still feeling nauseous greeted by my sweet husband with a big hug. Today was the day.
I wanted to take Kingston for many reasons. One was so that he would be there to find out if her were having a brother or a sister- and another- because I wanted no one to know where we were going.
Doctors visits can be scary for me. I don’t want to shout it out the roof tops that I’m going- because what if I go and my baby isn’t alive? It’s something I struggle with- because I am usually a really open person- but because of Blue this pregnancy makes me feels like I need to be guarded.
There was a day back in October that I visited baby Leo’s grave. He has a windmill there. I knew I was pregnant and I said “ok little boy- to the Left it’s a boy- to the right it’s a girl”.. the wind blew and to the right it went. I smiled. COuld it really be a girl? Could he really be trying to tell me that?.. I hoped but not because I wanted a little girl necessary- but Because I die everyday to feel that baby boy I lost.
Then we had family pictures on November 10th With Emily Theiss. She came over to me with her camera and said- “wait, you don’t know what you’re having right?”.. I said no, not yet- (I was only 6 or 7 weeks) She said “Look at this natural pink lighting all around you. You let me know when you find out”…
We packed up our bags Tuesday and headed to Good Sam. Rainy and yucky but hopeful. I said one last time “Give me a sign baby Blue” and there was a HUGE “It’s a BOY” balloon at the gift shop window. I smiled. I finally said to myself- It doesn’t really matter does it? I knew he was with me.
While Kingston hunted for alligators in all the plants in the office I began to get very emotional and scared. I thought something could go wrong. Why did Blue die? I didn’t know if I should be happy or sad.. It was getting to me when finally they called me back.
As I laid there she asked if we just had the one. I explained that we had two boys and we lost Kingston’s little brother, he was born still. Then she asked if that baby was born after Kingston.. I smiled and said “Yes, if you can believe that”. Blue would have been 10 months old- Kingston is 2 and this baby- I laughed because that’s a whole lot of baby-fast.
When she placed ultrasound machine (I don’t know what that’s called) on my belly, I said “yes, two boys”. She said “Do you want to find out?”… I looked at Leo to make sure.. “Yes we do”… She looked and looked and all I wanted to see was the heart. Just go straight to the heart, I kept thinking. She was looking at the cord and showed us all the colors that meant that there was good blood flow. I was thankful, I was relieved.
Then quietly she said “I don’t know”… I started to panic.. she doesn’t know what?.. Then again ” I don’t know, I think you broke your streak”.. she took some more time and said “This is a little girl”.. Instatnly I cried. All those signs. It was my sweet baby telling me that he gave us a daughter- he gave us a sister for Kingston.
We took the pictures and went into the elevator while Kingston told everyone and their brother “Good bye”.. and I said to Leo “what in the world do you think?”…
When we got the the car.. I full face in hands cried. The reality of Kingston not having a brother took over. I had so many mixed emotions I didn’t know what to think. I wanted a little girl- but was I being selfish? I also know that I am a good mom to my little boy. and.. How wonderful it would be to have Kingston, Leo, and our girl….
After we got pregnant for the second time we decided that two was all we thought we could raise financially… and fairly. I know others do more.. but two was what we wanted, needed. Now we have 3. And I feel so blessed to say that. Leo is in a safe place. And this for sure tells me he is watching over us.
I am sad Kingston won’t have a brother here. But I looked at Leo later on that night and said -” there aren’t many little boys that have a brother as an angel- Kingston is going to be ok. We are blessed.”
And we are- blessed beyond measure. We are getting a sweet baby girl. I am going to have a daughter and someone that I am to my mother- for me.
Still in shock of all the pink and ruffles that is in my future- the new bedroom we are going to have to create out of our bedroom- and the sweet relationship between brother and sister that we are going to see.
I miss him. I just can’t even explain the feelings. I know that this was meant to be. This is my life but I feel like I’m in a dream. I feel she is sent straight from heaven from Blue to us. She is a gift- and she holds a purpose just as her oldest brother and her brother that probably would have been mistaken for her twin had he lived. Kingston being my baby that saved my life- Blue the one who changed it forever- baby girl to show me there is a reason…
Count them everyday, your blessings. We have so much to be thankful for. When we see that and believe that good things can happen…. I promise.
It’s a girl!! I never in a million years thought that would happen to me. And thank you Blue- for making that dream come true. We sure love you …