I just sat down to read my whole blog. All 52 post. It’s quiet. Mannie’s sleepin’ beside me… Kingston’s napping… I couldn’t do it..
So I dug out this little quote that I keep at my vanity because I think it’s appropriate for this time, right now, exactly right now. I’m not sure if I’m so shockingly scared of my past and that’s why I can’t read it or if I’m afraid if I read it I’ll think it’s not WORTHY of going anywhere but a blog.
Looking forward to hearing back from my professor this week. Looking forward to feeling better. This antibiotic that I have to take for five more days is kicking my behind. Hopefully by the time I’m finished taking it I’ll be better.
I also am starting to go to CrossFit three times this week. Getting pregnant again is not happening until I am at a healthier weight. Everything about a next pregnancy has to be healthier… and I have to say I am over a week on NO POP, SODA NOTHING… Water, MILK, and the occasional cranberry or vitamin water (what have you)…. That is HUGE for me…. I am very proud about that. But I have to say- I think that is what has my kidneys all out of wack. I think doing hard core exercise and also drinking tons of water has sent my body into WTF mode……
So here is my quote:
“She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future”
I think more people could live life like this. There are a lot of people I know right now uncertain of their future (update:we all are- but hear me out)… jobs, babies, marriages, are they going to have a partner… we are ALL wondering about something.. am I going to get that job? Is that guy or girl the one?… Letting go may be the first step to getting something in return.. and then accepting that just because your life doesn’t look like someone else’s does not mean it’s the wrong way.. in any way… These are all hard things to do I know.. Life is so much harder when you start comparing it to something or someone else.. I used to do this all the time.. I never ask WHY ME with Leo.. I ask why certain things happened the way they did.. I’m not even sure if that makes sense… I do know every day I cry because I miss him.. but I know that if WHY ME consumed me .. it would CONSUME me..and I wouldn’t be emotionally avaliable for Kingston…
I bought this last year from a little company called Doodli-Do’s. I also have a calender hanging in my office at work. I love the art they do.
I love it because it is the way I am choosing to live my life. I don’t live my life this way every day… but I do have my moments of strength and without fear…. those are awesome moments… and losing something so precious makes you less scared of your own life… at least it does for me. Of course I want to be here until i’m 99 and see Kingston grow… and I think I will.. but I’m not scared of what the future holds for me… or my family.. because whatever life throws at us.. we are going to take it.. make it.. and run with it… all four of us