"Take the sourest lemon life has to offer and

turn it into something resembling lemonade"

MILE STONE

August 24, 2012

I despise the word head stone. So mile “stone” for me, right now is more appropriate. Last night was long… Not only did I have a big paper to write, one that will most likely give me my second B at IWU (my other B was given to me during the class when baby Leo died, and not because of the quality of my work, but because I missed a class), but all through work I was and all night ( and this is a lot of information to grasp) I was peeing blood. It got more and more intense as the night went on. I told Leo I could scrap the paint off the walls.  My blood pressure – which is usually 110/70 was 140/98 (YYIKES)… and my temp was 99.9… all that in the middle of a research paper…Ahh 

It’s those nights when I have to dig deep. I am distracted in many ways. I’ve got a lot of things I’d rather be doing. But even though I lost him in the middle of school- I promised him I’d keep going- make him proud- after all, he was the reason I went back. 

His headstone is up at the “shop” waiting for me to ok it. That drives me crazy. Why do I have to ok it? I didn’t know it but before we left for the beach I told Leo to call and just tell them “It’s fine”.. whatever it looks like.. I drew it already..I KNOW what it looks like…  tell them to make it… 

Leo didn’t tell me I HAD to go back up there.. 

I don’t want to..  I’ve been there twice already… Just make it! He deserves to have it already. It’s frustrating that’s it’s almost been 6 months… That’s the goal- get it there by that 6th month milestone… 

The hold up is.. and I did smile after my mom told me this.. she said “Stace, they just said they’ve never seen one worded like this, You have to ok it…

How many people word things as silly, emotional, and as crazy as me?…. So of course I knew there was truth to her words… 

Instead of “Stillborn” I put “Born Still”… I thought hmm .. really? But then something yesterday made me see that there are people just like me. And there is someone that knows exactly what I’m going through- and words things just like me. I’ll never forget that moment. 

So I guess on my lunch break… today or tomorrow I’ll go back up there and put my initials back down on the drawing….. I feel bad that it’s been hanging there now for so long….. 

Whewww, a week it’s been. I wish my PTO was built up to 100. Because I think Kingston, Blue, Leo, and I really need some Verona farm time   <3… 

P.s. Feeling much better this am. No fever and I can PEE…. THANK GOODNESS! 

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