On my drives home, alone, is when I usually start thinking about his life.
Tonight I went back to the day the pregnancy test was positive. I went back to the day we took K’s shirt off that I hand made (ironed letters on) that said Big Bro and on the back ’12 for the year 2012. This was to tell our parents baby no. 2 was on the way… such a fun day… that I won’t forget.
I go back to the writing out the paper with Kingston hold it saying “I’m going to be a big brother, I hope it’s a puppy”…
I go back to what I knew as his life..
This week has been rough. I have cried as much as ever over missing him. Just sitting in class made me realize this was supposed to be a busy and exciting week for us.. I was supposed to meet my baby Blue
Today Leo and I went to look at grave stones. We were told to take time and think about what we wanted- we drove across the street to see Blue..
I sat in my scrubs on the side of my Grandma June’s headstone, Leo in the grass and we talked about what we wanted. Tears coming down both of our faces but holding it together.
A teddy bear and a fedora hat will go on the stone.. Because every baby needs a bear.. and because Kingston loves those hats- I imagine he would have wanted to be just like his big brother.. and a cross between the words.. Born Still… such a shame..
I think the reason I write is because I never would have thought this would have happened to me. Ever. I am shocked to this day. I write because I don’t want anyone to have to go through what I am. Not that I am so low I am depressed.. I’m not depressed.. I am a grieving mother.. who is trying to make sense out of a loss that doesn’t make any sense to me.
Driving home is hard.. because I should be driving home to three boys…. but if I look at it that way, or you look at it that way.. it means everything is hard..
What he will give to this world will be so much. I will make it my life. I will fight for families and their unborn children to be more educated and more aware and more vocal.
He is missed so much. You can miss something you never knew in life. You miss what life was supposed to be like. Because you’ve missed the chance of him being present in it.
I relived his sweet little life tonight- but only the time when he was with me and there was that big hope and dream of a family of four..
The happiest I’ve been was that day I knew Kingston was going to be a big brother.. I felt our family was complete..
We miss you Blue. Hug your momma extra tight tonight….. I need it..