"Take the sourest lemon life has to offer and

turn it into something resembling lemonade"

HEAVY

June 19, 2012

Kingston is saying “heavy” now. 

Every step for me, and I can see it in the way Leo is carrying himself today as well, is heavy. My heart is like a big heavy rock just kinda sinking. 

I don’t know why it’s so hard. I was ok, really ok, just a couple days ago… I’m in a funk I suppose. 

I want out. 

I am doing things that helps. I am talking to people who understand and trying to figure out what road is going to give me more peace than the other. I know whichever I pick won’t bring me to complete and total peacefulness.. but it will be close. 

And that’s just it. That’s what this new life is. It’s trying to figure out what I need to do in a moment to bring peace to my self, my heart, my family, and meaning into my life. That is what is going to get me better. I guess this week is a mixture of a couple different things- busy, not being able to have me time, me, leo, kingston, and baby Blue time. I have to have that so I can function. I have to. 

My heart is heavy. Kingston and I went to sit by Blue yesterday. Kingston ate dinner and I talked to the baby. Kingston sat on my lap long enough for me to finish what I needed to say. 

I hope that he can see me though. I hope he knows that he’s given me a different voice. I hope he guides me to help as many people as I can. I hope he brings me those people. I know he will. 

Every time I make time for him I breath better. I focus better. I feel better. That’s how I know he’s living with me. 

I think that’s what making time for anyone that we love does for us. It’s a beautiful gift we can give. It shows we care. 

My hearts heavy this day and every day for you Blue. I know some say I’ll get better.. I will never be “better” at who I was.. I’ll only find what I was meant to do and do that better. I am always going to have days where it hurts.. because I never got to see you grow.. I will always wonder what you were going to be life… I never got to see. I do know that you were clam in those months where I could feel you. But I really think you were graciously saying goodbye. 

Kingston says heavy this week… it makes me smile to hear a little sweet boy say “hhheeaaavvyyy”.. It’s what my footsteps can be.. every one. It’s what my heart is at times.. but I hope Kingston and Leo both know.. heavy or not.. my heart beats for them.. and their sweet, sweet Daddy… 

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