"Take the sourest lemon life has to offer and

turn it into something resembling lemonade"


May 26, 2012

I didn’t tell anyone, except family, that I was going to be induced to deliver baby Leo. That Thursday, April 12th, after seeing the perinatologist to confirm that there was no heart beat, we went back to my OB’s office to make a plan with, fortunately, my favorite one. We went back into the room and sat down and waited for him to come in. 

He was the one that delievered Kingston and I would see him a lot this pregnancy. I like him, I trusted him, and he is a great doctor. Although hadn’t been to this particular one in over 8 weeks I was thankful he was in the office for the afternoon shift to help Leo and I. 

He said he’d be on call all weekend and that’s when I could come in. He’d take care of us. And he did. We are forever grateful for him and how kind he has been to all of us. 

As I sat by baby Blue I decided to message my friends about what had happened. I didn’t want to ruin a little girls birthday party that I was supposed to be at that day. I didn’t want my friends to worry the two days before Blue would be here. I went back and looked at that message once and it is so strange to read. I remember sitting in the hospital bed just sobbing over my phone- maybe I didn’t want anyone to know because in the back on my mind if no one knew maybe it wouldn’t be true. 

Shortly after that I made my frist post about Blue. Oh, man.. that he was born with wings at 9:13 am, his heart stopped, and we were sad. 

As I sat there my phone vibrated constantly. Blue was in his little side bassinet. I felt so much love in those moments. I put my phone underneath his bassinet in the hospital and you could feel it move every time someone said something or messaged me… I didn’t read those messages but what I did do is hold onto him and the bassinet… it felt like we were feeling the same thing… All the love pouring out- we were both the reason for- we were connected through that. 

Those were the last hours I had with Blue. He was getting extremely fragile. 

What provided lots of comfort was that for the next 30 days there wouldn’t be a day where we didn’t get a card in the mail, dinner sent down, a visitor, or flowers. It came from everywhere and places you wouldn’t expect. Letters from people who have been through it, special hand made blankets, trees and flowers to plant in his memory.. We didn’t have to cook anything the whole time I was off and I always had something to read. It was very special. 

I have the best friends. I have the best family. There is nothing like knowing that at any minute I could call someone and they would be here. Although I had lots of moments I wanted to be alone there was nothing like having family and friends near. 

The messages still come and I’m thankful for them. I used to think that I had a passion in life.. but nothing has ever made me more passionate and thankful as a person than this. I know that at any given moment life can be taken away- it doesn’t always happen slowly- it can be abrupt. Like is so precious- Blue’s was. 

One of the kindest things that happened was that in all this planning the funeral for Blue we were told that someone had payed for everything. They wanted to remain anonymous. How blessed were we? so all this passion has a starting place for me. I will so the same for many others. How do you write a check out for your newborn baby? The only thing you will ever give them? You won’t write out checks for summer camp, for piano lessons.. no the only thing you get to do is pay the hospital bill and the funeral bill. We are thankful for that family or person.. whoever it was and all the others. 30 days went by and not one day did the love let up- and I still feel it every day.. and it’s so real   

I have lots of plans and I hope that some stick by me. I want to change the way we look at stillbirth and do wonderful things for families that go through this is NKU. And thank goodness for everyone’s kindness because I am going to show you that that, and losing Blue will make a positive difference in this world. 

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