"Take the sourest lemon life has to offer and

turn it into something resembling lemonade"


May 25, 2012

On my “maternity leave” or unpaid leave, whatever you want to call it there were some nights where I just didn’t sleep. It was ok though.  All I had to do was wake up the next morning, be with Kingston and water all the beautiful flowers that were sent here. 

I would toss and turn think about this week and that week during my pregnancy. I would go back to conversations with people, even random people I had about my boys. I even told Leo the day before my doctors appointment “You know all these people are trying to scare me about having two boys so close, and well, I’m not scared”.. we laughed. 

One morning in particular I woke up at 5 am. Leo was out feeding the animals because he was going to work. I told him I could but he always just does it.  Whether he feels bad for asking or just doesn’t want me to do it i’m not sure- but I know I’m qualified.  I was sitting at my desk. I already had a file made for baby Leo. It had ultrasound pictures the pre registration packet- everything that baby Leo had done was in there, everything. I woke up from a dream, I can’t remember what but it brought me to my desk and I got all Leo’s stuff out… I began searching for what I thought was the answer. Leo came up stairs

“What are you doing?” he said. 

I ran up to him in between the kitchen and the “dining room” (if you call it that) table and almost pinned him against the wall. 

“You now how they all keep asking if I had bleeding in this pregnancy?  Well, I did”

Leo looked at me.. I said “Remember when I made you call because I was starting my new job? 

He said “No, that was with Kingston, that wasn’t this pregnancy.”

I scolded him “Leo, don’t tell me I’m wrong because I’m not”

I was dying to remember. He always tells me I’m wrong when I remember something. He does this a lot. I can’t stand it. But I love him for it because sometimes I honestly thing he is just a “forgetter”… 

I kept going into my file. 

I said “AH HA! I did I did. You see the following week I had a doctors appointment. I told the doctor about it and he sent me for an ultrasound.” This was the ultrasound picture.. and I was sent there because I had bleeding. 

And I did in fact have Leo call the OB to ask about my bleeding (poor guy, seriously) because I was starting my new job and had no clue where I would be. He was off work and I thought taht was fair. I know he sent me text messages telling that I was fine, the nurse said I was ok. I remember that so well. 

At this point it’s 5 am- Leo had to leave for work in 1 hour- I had papers everywhere- and I was on the internet seraching. 

You see, Leo did not go to even 1 doctors appointment with me. He was there to find out what we were having and that was all he could make. Our families were busy. I remember our first appointment we tried to bring Kingston. I told Leo to just go. Kingston couldn’t sit there. It was too much. I bet next time, if there can even be a next time, it will be different. You just don’t think it’s going to be you. 

What I was looking for was reasons to get the Rhogam shot (and I remembered this) you get it if you have bleeding, trauma, or an invasive procedure. I would find out that I was right soon enough. I was devastated. I was supposed to get Rhogam in November. I cried. I paniced and I was glued to the internet for about 30 minutes. Word to the, or from the wise, however that saying goes- the internet can be scary. It will give you answers but they are right and wrong in many ways. 

That was around the first of May. I knew I was onto something. I then looked into what is known as being synthesized. If I were synthesized it was not going to be pretty if we decided to have another. Some babies need blood transfusions in utero and some never make it. They told me my son had signs of hydrops fetalis but they couldn’t tell me if that is what he died from or if it was because he had been gone for more than a week. I was devastated. I was too good for my own good. My nursing background make me understand more than most. 

I remember sitting in my OB class at Gateway learning about these things. I remember talking about stillbirth- briefly and thinking “That has to be the hardest thing ever.” It is. 


I stopped typing things back into the computer- I felt nauseous and I felt sad. Through that whole discovery I elt like I was underwater.. being drowned… and when I found those ultrasound pictures I was above water and breathing again… but after I began looking on what could have happened I felt like I was back under the water again…

I walked heavily past Leo who was sitting on the couch watching a little bit of ESPN before work I pointed my finger to him and said “don’t ever make me question myself again.” I smiled and went back to our bedroom… I tried to sleep but I just kept wondering why in the world I didn’t ask if I needed the Rhogam shot… and had I asked would baby Blue still be right in bed with me?…. 

My heart was heavy but I felt I was starting to wake up…..and fight for him and anyone else going through what I was going through…. 

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