"Take the sourest lemon life has to offer and

turn it into something resembling lemonade"


May 17, 2012

I wasn’t sure how I was going to sleep that night- or any night for the rest of my life. It’s funny, usually when you bring a new baby home – you think those are the “worst sleep” nights of your life. 

It was a Saturday night and when we got home Kingston was still up. It was after seven and past his bedtime- that’s when I got frustrated. My Mom and him were standing in the door.  I said “He should be in bed”.. Mom said “I thought you’d want to see him”.. I did.. 

My Mom, Dad, and Leo’s mom and dad were all down here.. I wanted to just go in my room, shut the door and cry. I didn’t want people to hug me.. nothing I didn’t want anyone down here… but no one asked me that. 

Just ask these feeling were taking over me (which was selfish because of course someone had to bring Kingston down to the farm) Kingston hit his head on the table and burst out crying. I got really mad and said “This is why he should be in bed, he’s exhausted”… Things  just hurt worse for babys when they are tired. I picked him up- went into our bedroom and cried and cried and cried with Kingston in my arms… Then I rocked him..and then I was thankful he was still up- because he was in my arms.. and I had him…  When I came into the living room to put him down for bed all my family was gone.. 

I cried again. Very hard.. for some reason I wanted them back. I threw a huge fit like they were driving away to their death. I called my mom and begged her to come back.. I made Leo get in his car (his mom and dad didn’t have their phones) and chase his mom and dad down.. but they “got away”… I was so sad.. I didn’t know what I wanted.. but I guess what I wanted was everything on my terms.. because I lost my baby… I wanted people to be around me when I needed them and when I needed to be alone, I needed to be alone. 

My Mom came back and she stayed for just a little bit- but we sat and talked.. and I needed that. No one can take the place of your mother.. no one.. and I knew I still had mine, that some people didn’t, and I wanted her to come back and talk to me.. because some people don’t have that…and I had that…  

That night again, I cried myself to sleep with my ear on Leo’s chest listening to his heart. Mine was out of control and his was strong and steady.. I wanted mine to beat like his… 

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