April 4th made for an interesting day. I went into work and looked at my calender and said “Oh crap, I have another appointment today”. I walked down to my boss’ office and said “JoNell, I have another doctors appointment today, today I have to get my Rhogam shot”. As always this was no big deal. I had many appointments- between me and Kingston it was always something. That was fine but when you work 8-5, M-F it’s feels like you are always asking for permission to get to you appointments. I hate it. It’s never a problem but asking permission is something I don’t like doing… it is what it is…
This day was going to fly by. I was off work April 4th and 5th with Leo to get the house ready for baby Leo. It was a happy day filled with a count down to how many hours me and another co-worker had until our “four day weekend”.
I got ready for lunch. I remember going to Friches to get a kids meal- something I did A LOT and a large coke. I was giving up all caffiene the day after Easter. So of course I was getting this all in now. (so bad)
I remember parking in the parking lot at St. E’s doctors building and calling Leo. I was totally clueless. I didn’t know where I was going. I called him and told him I can’t remember for the life of me where I am supposed to be. He hung up – made some phone calls. And then in my phone popped up that I had an event reminder “28 week Rhogam shot, Dr. buliding Suite 212”.. Ah ha.. I am good I told myself. I knew where I was going. Leo called me back just as I was signing in. I told him I got it, thanked him, and told him I loved him. He was at home with Kingston.
The lady was running late from lunch so my 12:45 appointment time turned into 12:55. I had 5 minutes left of my lunch. I was going to be late. I text my friend at work that she was late which meant I would be too. All was well at work.
When she came and got me, I’ll never forget it, everyone kept telling me how framilure I looked. I was so confused but told them they must remember me from my last shot with Kingston.
I was getting this shot to help protect my “next baby”. But there wasn’t going to be a next baby for me. I had my mind made up. But I had to get it .. so I went. You see this shot was to protect me until the end of my pregnancy. Momma and baby’s blood can mix in the 3rd trimester and if it did I would become “synthesized”(if I didn’t get the shot) and when I was pregnant with my thrid, if the baby was RH+ my antibodies would attack the baby like it would an illness.. it would “get rid of it”….
But before I could get the shot I had to be hooked up to a monitor. I layed there- just having ate lunch- big and pregnant while she chatted about lots of things. We were both nurses so that seems to always be the topic. I told her I loved what I did- she told me she used to work for the health department… we went on… but she had trouble finding the heart beat. She went to get a different doppler… She told the nurse that walked past her “I’ve been trying for 20 minutes to find this baby’s heart beat”. I layed there without worry- you see, she had told me right after lunch can be the hardest time to find it.
She said “I hear it but it’s far away, like the baby’s back is against your back”. I smiled.. not thinking anything was wrong- she didn’t look scared. I wanted to get back to work- I was already way late. Finally she said “There it is”. But the doppler was midline right below both of my breast. I thought very quickly and then shoved it out of my mind “That would be my heart beat”… I trusted her- I trusted that she heard the baby’s heart beat….
I got the shot, went into the waiting room (you have to wait and make sure you don’t have a reaction) and text my friend at work; “They were having trouble finding the baby’s heart beat, took them 20 minutes”….. she wrote “Everything ok?” Of course everything was ok. The nurse heard the heart beat.
I look back on that day and wonder…. I wonder why I didn’t question her.. but then I realize I am a trusting kind of person… especially with nurses.. I wonder if she really did hear the heartbeat or if he was already gone… I wonder if she knows she didn’t hear it…… I wonder why I was so worried to get back to work….. and I pray if he was gone he knew that I loved him…. and he knew that I cared….
When I got back everyone asked if I were ok. I shrugged everything off. Always. That’s what I always do. It’s fine, I’m ok, I’m ok… don’t worry about me….
I went home to Leo that night and laid on our bed and looked out our window and said very calmly “Leo, they took 20 minutes to hear the baby’s heart beat today”…. He turned around from looking outside and said “really?”.. there was no urgency in his voice… so I said.. I’m going to lay here for a minute to make sure he is moving….
I laid in our room for 45 minutes. I felt big movements.. big turning movements. I thought everything was fine… I was 28 weeks and 2 days… and I thought everything was fine…..