"Take the sourest lemon life has to offer and

turn it into something resembling lemonade"

KINGSTON

May 3, 2012

Oh sweet baby Kingston.

I found out I was pregnant with Kingston the day after I graduated nursing school.  I hate to say this but it’s the truth but I was devastated. I wasn’t ready. At.All. That is selfish. I was then though, there is no better way to describe it. I needed to focus on passing my nursing boards.  I had a job already thank goodness but that company was moving fast and I knew I could move up- I had the passion and the drive for it… BUT not with a baby… I felt it so deep that in my condition I would not be moved up or looked at as someone that would be a good “choice” once the news got out. I’m usually spot on with my “judgements” . I was.

I cried for two weeks to the point my mom told me something was wrong with me and I needed to be happy. That made me feel pretty bad.. but she was right. I needed to be happy. It was a blessing and I had so much support. That still didn’t make me feel ready.

The day I had Kingston I held him for maybe 40 minutes and then I let everyone take a turn. He layed in his little bed that night and when he got up and cried I thought oh my goodness is this for real?  I had no clue what a parent was. I cried the whole way home because I was so afraid I was going to mess up… not be a good mother …. etc… Then all I could think about was work. I wrote reports while I was on maternity leave and I even atteneded an inservice. I was so ate up with work and being the best there that I forgot what like was supposed to be about. I didn’t care though… I just wanted my life to be the same as it was those nine +1 month that I carried him… it was about work….

 

This is very sad to me. I was delusional and what I feel a bad mother for a long time.  There were days when I would tell Leo “I would have two jobs and make lots of money if I didn’t have him”… I didn’t say this because I didn’t want Kingston, I said this because I feel validated by my work.  I felt Leo needed to know that me struggling being away from Kingston was something that I didn’t want to feel but did.. because I wanted to be there for him. I was torn.

Just recently I have figured out how unhealthy this all was. Putting the baby on the floor to finish a therapy report aftr you just left an 8 hour (which eventally went to 7 hour) shift at work didn’t make sense. I made a career move and vowed never to take so much work home.

 

I say this a lot. Babies are only little for just a tiny bit. You only have to make these petty scarifies for a little and then where are they– in school– and you (me in this case) can go back to (sorta) the way things were…

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